Jokes !!

Warning, this page was not meant for the politically correct!

If you have any problems with off-color humor please hit your browser's back button now!

If you have anything to contribute please send it to me!


Rubik Unbound

By Karl Hörnell, March 11, 1996.
Last modified March 30, 1996.

This is yet another Java implementation of the classical Rubik's Cube. I tried to make the user interface as simple and obvious as possible. You should be able to figure out how it works. Twist or rotate by pointing and dragging in "natural" directions.

Press s to scramble and r to restore (while positioning the mouse cursor somewhere in the applet region). More functions might be added later.

Homepage of the author.



Updated 4-30-98


TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir;

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

Morgan

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.


Updated 4-3-98

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. A better model is right around the corner.

3. They look attractive-until you take them home.

4. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

5. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. Even the smallest mistakes are committed to memory.

3. The native language used to communicate with others of their kind is incomprehensible to anyone else.

4. The message "bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know what's wrong, then I'm not going to tell you."

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

CHICKEN SALAD......

Two toddlers, a boy and a girl, lived across the street from each other. Both dearly loved chicken salad. Each day, they took turns having lunch at his or her house and they always ate chicken salad. This continued until they were ready to start school. The day before school started, their mothers found them crying. When asked why they were crying, they responded that they could no longer eat their chicken salad together. The mothers comforted them with the promise that they would pack their lunches and they could still eat chicken salad together every day.

The children did so every day. When they were about 11 years old, the girl unpacked her lunch one day and the boy, startled, said, "That's not chicken salad. You said you were going to eat chicken salad every day for the rest of your life. What IS that stuff??"

To which the girl replied, "This is peanut butter and jelly. I still love chicken salad, but I can't eat it anymore."

Boy: "Why not??"

Girl: "Because I'm growing feathers."

Boy: "You are not!!"

Girl: "Yes I am. I'm growing feathers and can't eat chicken salad any more!!"

Boy: "I don't believe you, let me see."

Girl: "I can't show you my feathers."

Boy: "I don't believe you."

So the girl agrees to show him her feathers and they proceed around the building to a solitary spot and she drops her panties and shows him her feathers.

Boy: "My, my, my!! You ARE growing feathers. Well, I'm not and I'm going to eat chicken salad for the rest of my natural life."

Well, every day, the girl ate peanut butter and jelly and the boy ate his chicken salad. When they were 13, the boy unpacked his lunch.

The girl, sniffing, exclaimed: "That's not chicken salad!! You said you were going to eat chicken salad for the rest of your natural life. What IS that stuff??"

To which the boy responded: "Tuna salad. I can't eat chicken salad anymore. I'm growing feathers, too!!

Girl: "Let me see."

Boy: "Oh, no!! I couldn't possibly show you my feathers."

Girl: "I showed you mine."

Boy: "Well, I guess fair is fair. You did show me yours."

They went around the building and he dropped his pants.

The girl's mouth dropped open and she exclaimed: "You're not only growing feathers, you're growing the neck and the gizzards, too!!!!!!!!"

Are you the Manager?

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

She continues, "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

Thanks Pedro !!!!

Alabama vasectomy..

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that that was enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherrybomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. . . .

Thanks Bill !!!!


Posted 3-24-98

Similarities between Nixon and Clinton

Nixon: Watergate

Clinton: Water Bed

Nixon: His biggest fear-- the Cold War

Clinton: His biggest fear-- a Cold Sore

Nixon: Carpet bombing

Clinton: Carpet burning

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek

Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger

Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape

Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick

Clinton: No difference

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"

Clinton: Known for women pointing at him and saying "He's the one"

Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak

Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy

Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot

Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh

Clinton: Took on Ho

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor

Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her

What State Mottos SHOULD Be

Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona: Dehyd-rific!

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California: As Seen on TV

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: Home of rich, smart killers.

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Gateway to Iowa

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: Cheap Lobster

Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: For Sale

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else

Nebraska:Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right > Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota:Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!

Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland

Oklahoma:Like the Play Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania:Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia:Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Always Looking For A Good Intern

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming: Wynot?

Gaurd those stogies!

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires.

After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!

Thanks John !!


Posted 3-19-98


Another fine site brought to you by the good people @ the possum works !our webmaster